Your 2018 Startup Horoscope

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

In 2018 you'll finally start that new company you always dreamed of. Being untrusting of others, you will start the company in stealth mode, without a co-founder and without investment or help from anyone of any sort. By mid-year, you will become bored and shut the whole thing down. When people ask you what you've been up to, you'll lie and say you've been doing volunteer work for the homeless. Your lucky number is 11.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

This year you will co-found a startup which will never ever have any chance of ever making any money. Ever the selfless martyr, you will forego salary so that your co-founder can earn enough to feed their family (and pay off their Tesla). In August your co-founder will quit to launch another startup which they'd secretly been working on after hours. It will be very successful. You won't get any equity and can't afford a lawyer. Your lucky number is 15.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

2018 is the year where you finally flip the table at a board meeting. Literally. Like, coffee and pastries will go everywhere and it'll turn into a whole big thing. Fortunately, your startup is making heaps of cash and your outburst is overlooked. You will take a month of "stress leave" in Mexico before coming back with a new hair colour and penchant for 3/4-length cargo pants. Your lucky number is 1. 

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

The startup you've been working on for 6 years will finally become "profitable". If things go really well you may even hire your first employee. You will continue to avoid talking to customers who only serve to distract you from your true vision anyway. You will be offered a full-time role at the co-working space you've been working from for 5 years but you will turn it down because you're this close to making it. Your lucky number is 24.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You read a book on The Lean Startup and force everyone in the company to work from Lean Canvases. After a week you realise it's rubbish and go back to just using Trello. You will pivot from SME to Enterprise before landing on a straight consumer play. You will rebrand and then un-rebrand before finally debranding altogether. You will read Black Swan and start making decisions by flipping a coin. Your lucky number is all of them. Or none of them.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

In 2018 you will conclude that one of your competitors must be stealing all of your good ideas. There's no way you can prove it, but you will still spend your days scouring through all their javascript source code anyway. You will implement stack ranking so you can watch and laugh as employees sabotage each other. Someone will make a "your Mum" joke; you'll make them migrate your blog to WordPress. Your lucky number is 20.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You start a Medium blog so you can be seen as a "thought leader". Nobody reads or shares any of it and you barely get any "claps", so you start Instagramming burgers instead. You will attend events in Berlin, New York and Bali which you are 100% absolutely certain will result in a bunch of valuable business cards. It won't, but you will keep going to them anyway. You start a podcast about "working remote". Your lucky number is 3.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

This year, on the advice of doctors, you decide to reduce your working hours to 80 hours a week. Your employees are persistently tardy and so you will be forced to cancel the coffee subscription until they can all arrive on time. Your VC insists on wearing a mustard coloured shirt to Every. Single. Board. Meeting. You get your dates mixed up and are accidentally home for one of your children's birthday parties. Your lucky number is 23.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

In 2018 you will expand your advisory board to 17 to make sure you're getting the breadth of experience and opinions you need to make day-to-day decisions. On the advice of one mentor you will begin using "ideation workshops" for every new product feature. The first attempt will end in an argument which results in your lead designer quitting the company. You will implement a strategy whereby Friday lunch is decided democratically, thus ensuring that a subset of your team will always unhappy with the choice. Your lucky number is  6.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Your biggest competitor will pull out of an acquisition deal at the last minute to instead acquire a "fast follower" out of Uzbekistan. You accuse your co-founder of screwing up the deal and let the tires down on their Corolla. Your employees will get together and buy you a really lovely birthday present because you've been such a great boss, but you will still secretly log web traffic to see who's been updating their LinkedIn profile. Your lucky number is 8.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

In 2018 you'll set up offices in 6 cities around the world in an attempt to exponentially grow your "gig economy" startup. Unfortunately, as you never learned what unit economics are, your losses also accrue exponentially. In August you will attempt to close a desperately needed down-round which will result in you having less equity than the cleaner. The cleaner will be promoted to CEO and you will realise you should've just stayed in school. Your lucky number is 21.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

Against all advice to the contrary, you continue to pursue your dream of an autonomous, solar-powered food truck that drives the streets 24/7/365 and uses machine learning and facial recognition to select, create and instantly deliver food to customers before they even know they are hungry. Inexplicably, it will turn out that you were dead right on that one. Nice work! Your lucky number is 22.

(A little over half way through writing this I realised that I had inadvertently stolen this idea from Alan Jones. He mentioned this idea to me about 6 months ago and I'd apparently just forgotten where I'd gotten the inspiration! So credit for the idea goes to him.)